When this time of year comes around, I have a mixed feeling of it. Not because I'm one of those people who think Valentine's Day is a fake holiday made by Hallmark and chocolate companies. Quite to the contrary, I wish I could be one of those people, life would be a lot easier if I didn't give a damn.
To be honest, the reason I have mixed emotions on this day is something that I've only shared with a handful of people around me. It's something that was an instance of fate taking the wheel and making me take the first right.
You see, my issue with this day is today, February 14th, 2013, should have been my 4th wedding anniversary. I say "should have" because a few months before our wedding my fiance was killed by a drunk driver.
I thought my life had ended the night I got the phone call from the police. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I could barely breathe. I hid this from most of the people around me (including my parents, who never knew and still don't know I was once engaged), because I couldn't bear the thought of talking about it. When Valentine's Day came around, I'm ashamed to say that I tried to drink myself off the cliff, because I didn't want to feel. I was angry at every couple I saw coming up to the day, full of jealousy, sorrow and rage. At the time, I still was holding onto the Christian beliefs that were driven into my head growing up, and to be honest, this probably was the event that started my path away from that. I was in a dark place for a long time, before I finally found the strength to claw myself out of the darkness I wallowed in.
One of the things that enraged me the most during that dark time was the people who would say, Man it's been almost two years, when are you gonna get over it? It's always the people who have never lost so much as a goldfish that don't get the concept of grief. Honestly, it was something I didn't understand. While it may be true that time heals all wounds, there's always a scar, a memory left behind. The best explanation of it came from one of my favorite directors, Joss Whedon: Grief is like losing an arm; you don't grow another one, you learn to tie your shoes one handed.
Nowadays though, I see today as something different. When I lost my fiance, I thought my life was over. I'm proud that I was able to put everything back together, and start a new path. So, while I will always reflect on the past on this day, I now do my best to use this day as a reminder that life is change, and you can let it break you, or you can accept the tide of fate, and see where it will take you next.
If you stuck through this with me, hopefully you know me a little better now, and I hope I didn't scare you away from the blog, because next time I'll get back to more lighthearted matters.
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